deaincaelo

long time

2006-02-15T07:29:28Z

been a long time, too much shit. not enough bag, so to speak.

well, end result: i hurt the ones i loved, cracked 3 times, am left resenting the person i LEAST want to resent in the world, and ended up in a situation that neither fufills an altruisic nor a selfish ideal.

so basically everything crappy for me possible. and i dont even get self-pity rights. joy.

well, at least i finally got to break down enough to heal a little. time to go try to make shit work out. like THATS ever goign to happen.

By the rede

2006-01-25T06:30:38Z

do what you will is the whole of the law

love is the law, love under will

an it not harm, do as you will

and harm it does, do WHAT YOU MUST.

i will follow the law and the rede. i will follow the law and the rede. i will follow the law and the rede

so mote it be.

crawling in my skin...

2006-01-16T19:25:38Z

everytime i've had happiness
happiness just made me sad.

if i die, would i care? i've lost the will to hurt. i have no loneliness or dispair to keep me company anymore. i never healed from last time, and this knife has come again. i know this wound that will not heal. i know it will not kill. my heart is so used to being broken. i dont think it can change. you'ld think i would have practice healing, but i'm bleeding all the same. i've felt the tears that never come falling down my face. i still remeber six long years when the pain wouldnt go away. and now this wound has come again, and its EXACTLY the same. i know how i will hope for death and suffer no release.

the sorrow of my sadness of the unhappiness of my dispair

2006-01-12T01:30:59Z

i am so confused. or i was. the issue is unresolved and unadressed for now. still. i dont know how i would want it to be. its hurtful and sad and wrong no matter what i do. 'if harm it does, do what you must.' but what i must do is unclear. i have only recently resolved this issue in myself. i really cant do much anything, but hope. meh. its all bullshit and drama and its only gunna et worse and never gunna get better.

lonelyness

2006-01-02T08:22:26Z

i feel empty in my lonelyness. i, who have been so PROUD to stand alone, now i hollor into the empty night the anguish that is the pang of loneliness. i scream it silently. i scream it in the tears i cant cry. i scream it into my pillow at night. i turn it silently inside myself and burn with it. i cannot fail to fear my loneliness, for i fear to fel alone. it eats at me.

i'm a dush

2005-12-20T22:32:14Z

so, they were beig dicks to me. you know what i did? i was worse to them. and i didnt let up till they let up, same as they did to me.

the sad part, is i wish they were right. it would be so easy...it would be wrong. a dishonesty to myself. and then a dishonesty to others.

oh well, its half-patched and leaking. lets see if we can sink her, yes?

dispair

2005-12-15T04:44:24Z

once, when it was snowing, i felt sad. its not snowing today, so i miss the snow. it felt cold on my skin. for once, i felt inside and outside the same numbness. like i could just walk naked forever in the snow, and wash away.

today sucked

2005-12-14T02:13:20Z

life's sucky anyway, but today sucked hardcore major monkey butt pirate ass. because its like that. you know what today was like? today was like having a dimond encrusted lemming colony mistake your rectum for the ocean. JUST like that.

my blade

2005-12-13T03:13:57Z

as i draw my bloodless blade
deep across my unscarred skin
that its sharp sharp edge
should have thought to bite
and loose the single crimson drop
to dye my pallid fleash

it lacks mercy that it will
fail to sheath
and leave unstained its fine-wrought blade
open to air in its uncorrptable steel

let it lodge deep in my bone
and sheath in crimson sweat
stain its incorruptable blade
a deep scarlet
that i, the canvas, am filled with red
and it the brush is fouled
and we are made useful again
out of our shameful purity

i, who have fallen, return in myself

2005-12-11T07:51:30Z

i have fallen into shame. weakness, has been invited into my soul. and i am i who shares the blame. maybe, in my arrogence i was decadant. but i fell into the temptation of fleash. or, perhaps, it was not temptation. but it was.
and i should not be ashamed of my weakness that wasnt. but i feel it inside of me, clawing at the false ediface in my mind. the one i wish to shed, but cling to. shame is like a hollow mask made without blood or bone, that tatters in the wind.
tonigt, tonight though i feel alive! i danced and touched. and what a good feling it was. i tasted her as she tasted me, and we moved togeather. i affermed myself in the way i believed, perhaps in redemption.

3 questions

2005-12-07T09:14:48Z

Three Names You Go By:
deaincaelo, Rayne, Kara

Three Parts of Your Heritage:
irish, native american, puritan

Three Things That Scare You:
touch, cops, myself

Three of Your Everyday Essentials:
sleep, masturbation, bathing

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
my glasses, my penticle, absolutely nothing else

Three of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists:
green day, enya, Rammstien

Three Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love):
good sex, someone to hold me, a mutual benifit

Two Truths and a Lie (in random order):
i'm so emo that my razorblade is my most used possesion, i'm alone in this world and its completely the result of my discisions, i dance with knives

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies:
writing bad poetry, reading, games

Three Things You want to do really badly right now:
curl up and go to sleep. forever., have all my schoolwork finished, and a really hot girl. a redhead. with freackles.

Three Places You Want to go on Vacation:
europe. japan. canada.

Three Things You Want to Do/Be Before You Die:
finish my editing. finish my writing. send it to where it needs to be.

Three Ways that you are stereotypically a boy/girl:
i own too many pairs of shoes. i'm good at math and the hard sciences. i have ambiguous secondary sex charicteristics.

ad-lo

2005-12-07T08:55:38Z

if i can, and do not do it is me that is responsible.

so, should i be proud of my irresponsibility?

maybe, or maybe i shoudl do it anyway.

because i know it can be done.

razorblade smile

2005-12-06T07:41:46Z

you, who loves me with your razorblade smile
do not fail to draw your lips across my wrists
down my thighs
across my belly
up my tiny, imperfect tits
to leave a beautiful butterfly trail
in scarlet on my neck
that i may taste the last lovers kiss
she to me in timeless bliss
as i draw her to my lips
across, again, again.

wanting

2005-12-05T08:19:41Z

it is true that we want what we can never have. and so, its in all of our best intrests just to slit our wrists. because if we REALLY want it, it wont happen. and even if you get what you need, and what you have all legitimatcy to want, you'll end up wanting something else that you shouldnt have to want.

I've achieved everything i've ever really wanted. but now i want what i cant persue. or at least, i know i shouldnt. because it violates the rights of others to work to attain it. it violates my beliefs to act in that manner.

I'm a strong woman. i earned everything i have. i've become as much a whole person in myself as is humanly possible. i have every material thing my body needs. but i still want something i cant have. something i shouldnt have to want. i still just want to be hugged.

damn, i'm a looser.

life

2005-12-04T07:42:54Z

life is like getting kicked in the face with a shovel while your trying to count your teeth. its brutal, painful, meaningless, and the more you do it the more it hurts and the less you have.

smile, your life sux

my first entry

2005-12-02T04:06:07Z

if your reading my livejornal your an idiot. first, for being on LJ. second, for looking up me of all people.